Keep Oppo Existentialist

"mkbruin, Atlas VP" (mkbruin) 11/15/2016 at 12:43 • Filed to: None

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Oppo, I’m having a bit of a crisis. I have a decent life. I have a good job. I have a wife three kids and a golden retriever. I have a mcmansion in a semi-affluent suburb in middle America. And I’m miserable.

My job gives me money, but I have lost all passion for what I do. I draw absolutely nothing from my work. I’m in my mid 30's, and have no idea what I actually want to be or do. No drive or passion left. I’m just burnt out.

Lately, every time I see something outdoorsy I get depressed. I watch a music video with camping, hiking, and wingsuits and I realize I’d rather be there. Untethered. Experiencing the world and beauty of natures awe, rather than worried about paying the cable bill or hitting my next deadline.

I contribute nothing to society. I cannot point to a single ripple in the waters of my local community that I am responsible for. The weeks have turned into months into years, and I can see clearly the time I have lost, have wasted by running on a hamster wheel, day in and day out. Just to break even, to tread water.

Are we all stuck on this wheel together, or have you broken free?

d15b > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 12:48

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32 years old, single, and I have my vehicles to take care of (‘12 TSX and ‘93 del Sol).

No kids crew, checking in!

Wheelerguy > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 12:49

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This calls for a big, fat shot of Super GT racing.

71MGBGT Likes Subarus of Unusual Colors > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 12:49

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If you have any time, get involved with your community. My mom was feeling similar after she lost her husband (my dad) and joined up with http://www.kiwanis.org/ and has really been liking it. Other options include going back to school and do something else, or get a race car. I hope you find happiness my friend.

adamftw > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 12:50

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Are you still driving a Santa Fe? Maybe fix that first.

How about some perspective? I’m currently going through a mild anxiety attack with mortgage rates blowing up and I still don’t have a closing date. I didn’t lock in two months ago because “Oh, its not worth the money rates aren’t going anywhere.” I have a decent job, it’s not amazing, and a open door to a higher position that I was ready to walk into just got shut due to management shit. But perspective. Probably plenty of people wish they could be in my position.

But you should probably get something cooler to drive. Get a truck, go camping.

RutRut > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 12:50

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I had a friend break free. Quit a great job after 8 years at GM, sold his V8 protouring blazer, audi and S10, cashed out his 401k , paid off student loans and went to hike the continental divide and then get on a boat to Ecuador. It’s one way to do things.

Me personally, I like the wheel. It’s stable and let’s me enjoy a comfortable living with my wife and maybe family at some point. In that case you become the hub and your turning allows those that depend on you to have opportunities. I just camp and hike on the weekends and volunteer occasionally, and take time to appreciate what I have; keeps me happy.

Textured Soy Protein > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 12:51

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This is something that I think a lot of folks in this position feel. I’m kinda there with you, although I have a wife, 3 cats, and a cheap rented townhouse. I wouldn’t say I’m miserable, but I need to get out of the desk jockey grind. I might be doing that in the near future by jumping ship and opening a restaurant if the funding comes into place, but I also don’t have kids or a mortgage.

wiffleballtony > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 12:51

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Have you nsidered joining a cult? I hear they get a lot of fulfillment.

Milky > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 12:52

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Hobby? AutoX/RallyX can get you racing. If you make good money I’d pick up traveling. Do a week trip with the wife and hopefully some family can watch the kids.

OPPOsaurus WRX > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 12:55

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what do you do for work? it could be worse for you, it could be worse for me too. I somewhat enjoy my job however have a long list of things i’d rather be doing. I lost my WRX to the need for a better family hauler. I lost the Allroad to typical German shenanigans and now I have a a mobile appliance. My PS3 broke (i’m thinkin the kids dropped it off the shelf) so I can’t even take out my frustrations on hookers (GTA). Its gotten too dark in the evening to bike the trails. I feel like my work just makes everyone else money (developers) and i’m herer just barly paying bills.

Land_Yacht_225 > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 12:56

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Might I prescribe the philosophy of Albert Camus: once you realize that it’s all pointless anyway, you are free to live moment to moment and enjoy each as it passes. And screw contributing to the community, what have they ever done for you? Your kids are your ripples.

Also, the Corvette is cliche for the mid life crisis. I highly recommend an E55 AMG or a supercharged Range Rover.

LongbowMkII > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 13:00

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It’s not that hard to go hiking every once in a while.

Roadster Man > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 13:07

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You’re stuck on a hamster wheel like the rest of the country. Take a vacation. Ask why you did all this in the first place?

And sometimes perspective helps:

-you have all of your limbs and your health (i assume, I apologize otherwise)
-you don’t need to worry about when you’ll eat next
-you don’t need to worry about where you’ll sleep next
-your dick works OK (again, I’m making an assumption)
-you don’t have people trying to kill you

If you still have your health, you have EVERYTHING and you have NO right to complain. This counts for mental health, so maybe go see a therapist.

But really, sounds like a mid-life crisis. Go buy a cool car you dummy.

extraspecialbitter > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 13:07

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Start a company. If the schmuck in the office space in the basement of this dump can own a business, so can you. For that matter, I’m using company time to, not only Oppo, but also to research and study about how to operate one for myself.

You want your work to get you a fat wallet? Select a popular field with high yield potential. You want some meaning out of all your work? Start a non-profit.

If you need to move in order for YOU to be in the right market, then chew on it. Nothing’s off the table.

d15b > d15b 11/15/2016 at 13:08

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Sorry, didn’t realize this was a serious (or not) post.

DynamicWeight > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 13:11

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Pick up a skill based hobby. Something you can get better at. Something I chose recently is guitar. Last year I started taking lessons. Now I know basic music theory and can play campfire versions of songs. This is just an example.

Outdoorsy stuff is also great and cheap to get started with. The first thing to do is start hiking. Which anyone can do, because it is literally just walking. Good shoes, then a camelbak, then socks, then shirts, then pants, then underwear, is the upgrade path to hiking. Once you’ve been hiking to a bunch of places, now go camping. Take your hiking stuff and a portable stove. My personal strategy is to go on google maps and look for blue, then go there.

My favorite outdoor activity is mountain biking. I highly suggest it.

Stay active. Don’t watch TV. If you’re bored, walk out your door. Keep walking. Don’t look at your phone. Stop looking at your phone. For the love of god put down the phone and don’t look down. Look up. Look out at the world. Stand up straight. Keep moving.

Roadster Man > Land_Yacht_225 11/15/2016 at 13:11

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Screw contributing to his community? What have they done for him?

Only give him access to sewer service, water, electricity, the fire department, and police.. not to mention public parks, street lights, sidewalks, public schools, and a whole lot more.

And “your kids are your ripples”? The idea that the only way to leave a legacy is to leave kids behind is FUCKING TERRIFYING. You’re scaring me.

OP: maybe serve on your RTM (or your community’s equivalent) if you actually want to contribute to your community. There is lots of work to be done in communities across the country.

BeaterGT > DynamicWeight 11/15/2016 at 13:12

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Mountain biking <3

RallyWrench > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 13:15

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You have the exact same internal monologue that I do every day, and especially every night when I can’t fall asleep. Same age, same complete loss of enthusiasm and burnout for our work after 20 years of busting ass, a mortgage on a decent house, kids, mountains of seemingly endless bills consuming every penny, the same growing yearning for the outdoors (including staying up way too late watching DVDs on the things you’d like to be doing), worries about the future, all the rest. You’re not alone, dude.

Try taking baby steps to change. My stress and personal anxiety is at an all-time high and I’m trying to address is because it’s unhealthy and unsustainable. I’m not myself. So I’m looking into a positive job change, had an interview this morning in fact, and that has me feeling better that a respectable and well known company in a very interesting part of the industry might value my skills. Putting yourself out there for that can’t hurt, you might learn something encouraging about yourself and your worth to others.

Physical activity outside a gym is critical to mental health too, I try to ride a bike, particularly my mountain bike, whenever I can, which is never as often as I’d like. I also volunteer with the local trailbuilding group, which is really good for the mind. Sometimes everyone needs a little brain time to focus on the trail in front of them and nothing more.

XJDano > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 13:17

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I can identify with all of this.

RallyWrench > OPPOsaurus WRX 11/15/2016 at 13:17

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Hey, a borked PS3, a paycheck that vanishes to just cover our existence, and being pissed that it’s too dark to ride, the one thing that clears my mind? Sounds like me.

TheRealBicycleBuck > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 13:18

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We all go through ups and downs and the trick is finding happiness along the journey. I miss the things I cannot do anymore, but I find ways to love other activities and always try to find new experiences for both myself and my family. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to do them all, but bringing the family along on new adventures is a great way to expose them to the world around us and help them find the things they love. It’s also a great way to get away from the drudgery of the office and experience more of what life has to offer. Your kids and your job aren’t holding you back, it’s your job to find ways to bring them along for new adventures!

Giving back is a big part of finding happiness for me. I do love my work and it helps that what we do affects so many lives in a positive way, but finding ways to help out where I can makes a big difference. I’ve found that coaching my kids’ teams and sponsoring their activities both keeps me busy and keeps me fulfilled. I may not have been the best coach, but the kids will always know I was there. It also keeps me from being just a spectator. If I’m out there helping, I feel more productive.

I still find a way to play games, read books, ride my bikes (not as much as I should), go camping, and drive my car fast (track day, yo!). I can’t do these things every day, but doing something interesting once or twice a month is enough. After all, without the job, I couldn’t afford to do the things that I really want to do every day!

If the kids’ activities are wiping out your weekends, it may be time to think about why you are putting them in the activities in the first place. Sports do teach kids about teamwork, but very few kids will leverage sports activities into a scholarship or a career. Missing a game or two to spend a weekend camping won’t hurt anyone and will be beneficial to the kids. Let them experience some of the great outdoors! Teach them the joys of being in the woods or on the lake! You will all be better for it!

Land_Yacht_225 > Roadster Man 11/15/2016 at 13:28

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Hey, what’s it like living in a commune? I have to assume you live in a commune if your community is gifting you ultilites and public works. See, I pay for mine. But if you don’t, that’s cool too.

And who hell said having kids was the ONLY way to leave a legacy? I didn’t. Those at your unconscious fears and insecurities, not mine.

and 100 more > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 13:35

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It’s very common. You’re stuck in a spot called Good Enough , where life isn’t a real struggle anymore, even though you feel like you could/should be doing better, but you have no motivation to make any major changes, and in fact, many reasons not to change anything.

Many men take this as an opportunity to begin their “mid-life crisis”. There are ways to do it right, and ways to do it wrong. For fuck’s sake, don’t go fucking anyone new, unless your wife has given you explicit instructions to do so. And even then, reconsider the idea. Not sure if this is on your radar or not (and if it is I’m not judging you), but too many men see sex with a stranger as the easy way to feel empowered and vital again. This is a lie your penis tells you. Remember your twenties, when your penis lied to you about a lot of other things? Same penis, same tactics.

I can’t tell you how to alleviate your ennui, but I can tell you that it requires you to motivate yourself, one way or another. This is where you need to dig deep and find the willpower to go do something new. If you have friends, come up with a plan - either something to do with them, or something to do by yourself - but either way, talk about it, and have them hold you to it. Accountability via shame is the #1 motivator.

I hope some of this helps.

Roadster Man > Land_Yacht_225 11/15/2016 at 13:46

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Read much? I said “ ACCESS TO sewer, water, electricity, etc.” Of course he pays, everyone does. But not all communities have access to these services.
Learn to read before ranting please.

“And screw contributing to the community, what have they ever done for you? Your kids are your ripples.”

To me, that reads like your answer is that the only way to impact his community is to have children... Sorry if I can’t read your unclear whining.

PotbellyJoe and 42 others > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 14:10

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I got shingles at 30 from overworking and stressing myself out. It was a wake-up call that didn’t involve anything more vital than skin and pain. Had it been my heart, or brain, or something else it might have been a different story for PBJoe.

Anyways, what it did to me was force me to turn off the desk light and go and enjoy life. There will always be work, but rather than define myself by my work, I was going to define myself by what my work afforded me to do.

I got much more involved in my church. Church is important to me, so that was reasonable to me. For some, it may be community affairs or a book club, but for me, I enjoyed my church community, so I volunteered more and that meant having to leave work at night, somewhat on time.

Next, I found an activity that took me away from plaster, drop-ceilings, and fluorescent lighting. I took up mountain biking, cycling and trail running (especially for when it rains or is too cold to want to bike.) I used those activities to catch up with guys I knew, we made a group of 6 of us, some older and wiser, some younger and stupider, but each brought perspective to the table. We engage in discussions every time we get together, I learn from all of them.

So where has it gotten me?

I switched jobs to one that has me home every night but still puts food on the table.

I am on my 4th year in a leadership position at the church.

I am 45 pounds lighter and finished 1st in my age group for the swim leg of a well-attended triathlon (I finished 10th in my age group after the bike and run)

I’m happier.

What hasn’t changed:

I’m still behind where I’d like to be in saving for the future (single-income family, my wife is home with my kids) but I’m more okay with this now than I was when I was killing myself and still just managing to eke out our existence.

It’s all about focus. Make the effort to do the things that are important to you, invest in those. The satisfaction is lightyears ahead of killing yourself for a paycheck.

CobraJoe > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 14:12

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I’ve been in that spot before, albeit with a bit less responsibility needed at home (I was single and living in an apartment at the time). The low came right when my fairly recently broken up ex-gf sent me a photo of how beautiful it was in the mountains where she was. That sent me into a depression that lasted a few days until my internal conversation landed on the heart of the despair “I wish I was there.”, and then came the dawning light of the follow up question: “Why can’t I be there?”. I almost immediately started planning a 4 day camping roadtrip that ended up being a changing point in my outlook.

It was that trip that made me realize that I have the power to change my situation.

Granted, It’s not as easy for me now to pick up and leave for a long weekend, I have a wife and two boys at home, but I haven’t stopped working for my own goals. I’ve spent 5 years worth of free time (with breaks for other things too) working on a CAD design for my own car. I’m finally to the point where I have started spending money to gather the parts. It’s going to happen, not because it was easy, but because I put the work in.

As for you, it sounds like you are being called to go see the wilderness. What’s stopping you? Money? Time? Schedule? Those can all be planned around. Family? Take them with you or go when your mother in law is visiting (for example, plan it out with your wife). Can’t go until next summer? Then get busy, and start planning. Find the place you want to go, find out what you want to do, where will you stay, how you will get there, what you will need to bring, what experiences other people have had, etc.

If traveling isn’t appealing, then look around, try out a new skill, go try a club sport, go to a museum, volunteer, learn a new language, write a book... The possibilities really are endless, and most you have to try before you know if it’s for you, but I know that all the best ones will require work.   

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 14:13

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Life is a balance of working for the future and enjoying the moment. First of all, if your job does not reward you psychologically, you’ll probably need a new job. Nothing wrong with changing things up. Now that that’s out of the way...

Take some time off and go hike and explore (you already make it very clear that you desire outdoor adventure).

Also, your wife and kids need the freedom too, regardless of whether it’s in family activities or solo activities. Make sure everyone gets their release.

And you’re on Oppo? Go buy a fun car if you can. If not, rent a fun car to take you on your vacation.

shop-teacher > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 14:18

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Your kids are your ripples. Raising competent happy capable kids is the most important thing a normal person can do.

This may sound a little condescending, but honestly this is completely sincere. Put some classical music in your ear-holes and go for a long walk. Make a habit of that. It really does help.

TheVancen- In Pursuit of a Greater Payday and Car Parts > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 15:22

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Buy an old van, make it a project. slowly turn it into a little camper or overland expedition vehicle? Something like my 4x4 Econoline or an old conversion van maybe? Hell, why not a 70's custom van with porthole windows and a mural down the side! haha.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > Roadster Man 11/15/2016 at 16:04

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Everyone has a right to complain. Unless we’re back in Soviet Russia?

A car for a mid-life crisis is a band aid on a bullet hole.

AMGtech - now with more recalls! > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 16:14

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Ditto. Minus the job. Love my job. Have a bitchin’ car. Have great friends. Have cool ass hobbies. Have badass adventures. But something isn’t right. I know what, and I’m working on it, but this isn’t the place for it.

Good luck to you in figuring out and achieving what you need. Oppo has your back. You know, unless you’re into some fucked up shit 

jminer > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 16:23

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It might be time for a workplace change. I felt much the same the last place I was at. It paid the bills, required no thought, and was stable. I couldn’t take it anymore and talked with my Wife and I left the job and took 3 months off, got a lot done around the house and spent some quality time with my wonderful Wife (I hadn’t taken a vacation in 7 years before that).

Now I work at at a place that I really enjoy what I do and am generally more active and happy. Last month I disconnected and went for a nice weekend trip out to the middle of Mark Twain National Forest. Slept in a tent and did some squirrel hunting, it was a wonderful way to recharge.

Where abouts do you live? That can have a great deal of impact on what you are able to do outdoors (particularly this time of year).

nermal > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 16:28

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Welcome to your mid-30s, happens to everybody eventually.

A few tidbits:

1) Work. Look for a new job. Either with your current company, with a different one, or start your own.

2) Wife - Find somebody to watch the kids for a weekend, and go rent a cabin in the woods for two or three days. Just the two of you, no distractions. She’ll like it if you plan everything spontaneously and romantically and stuff. Remember what you did to woo her originally? Incorporate some of that stuff for nostalgia’s sake. Bonus points if you don’t get eaten by a bear.

3) Kids - Just be involved.

4) Adventure - Everybody needs adventure. Theres a reason why the reader demographics for ExpeditionPortal and ADVRider are mainly 35+ year old men with >$100k incomes. Go read some of the trip reports on both of those sites for inspiration, then figure out a way to do one of your own. You’re not going to do solo trip to Alaska next week, but you can do a local weekend getaway, while starting to plan for the Alaska trip a year or two down the road.

5) Personal Health - This one is important. More than likely your testosterone levels are dropping, which is causing a lot of the feelings you are feeling. It’s also causing you to gain weight and lose a step in your physical abilities. Re-evaluate your diet, and make regular exercise a priority to fend that off as long as possible.

CaptDale - is secretly British > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/15/2016 at 17:53

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Nope, I am very much stuck in the wheel, but when I feel down about where I am in life I try to even do the smallest things. Like go hiking on the weekend and try to build up my future.

Maybe slowly change some aspects of your life. If you aren’t worried about financial hardships, then you should look into maybe personalizing your life. Interesting car, or interesting something to do with free time by yourself and with family.

BeaterGT > jminer 11/16/2016 at 09:44

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How do you not take a vacation in 7 years?

jminer > BeaterGT 11/16/2016 at 10:16

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A crazy work schedule. I worked for small and midsized businesses where I was the only systems IT guy. So that meant I had to be reachable 24/7. If the companies exchange server crashed at or if the cash registers went down I had to he available to fix it no matter the time. The last place I was my COO threw basically a screaming fit when I told them I was taking a canoe trip over a weekend and would be unreachable for about a day and a half. I quit not too long after that.

BeaterGT > jminer 11/16/2016 at 10:46

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That’s pretty wild, I’m glad you got out of there!

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > RallyWrench 11/16/2016 at 15:34

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Hope the right change comes quickly for you.

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/16/2016 at 15:45

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I have these feelings at times. I assume you’re carrying some decent level of debt that makes you feel trapped - obligated to stay at this good job that crushes your soul to make sure the bills get paid. I’d encourage you to do what I’m trying to do, which is aggressively pursue the goal of being completely debt free. If that means selling the McMansion and downsizing some, so be it. Freedom is worth it.

Does your wife know how you feel? If not, you have to be honest with her, and hopefully she’ll work to help you relieve the situation somehow.

Would your job let you take an unpaid sabbatical?

RallyWrench > davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com 11/16/2016 at 16:08

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Thanks, me too.

torque > mkbruin, Atlas VP 11/17/2016 at 18:03

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Lots of good suggestions below, thanks for your post, I’ve enjoyed the discussion items, most certainly as you can see you’r not alone, just knowing that certainly helps.

Being analytical, I look towards research on happiness, Shawn Achor’s TED Talk is a good start, the Dahli Lama has an excellent book on happiness too. https://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work

Also if you’re not financially independent yet (I’m not quite there myself), focusing energy here, can be a huge stress relief, just imagine never having to worry about income again...

 check out http://www.mrmoneymustache.com , by saving (and investing - Vanguard Index funds) 75% of his take home pay, he was able to retire at 30 years old, and now (he’s 43 or 44) all his living expenses are paid by interest from his investments & he only takes on work that interests him, carpentry, investing, blogging etc...